Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize