you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like, not good at living.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
