I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
