then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
