when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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