I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
