Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
