I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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