the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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