were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
