I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
