And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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