I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
