I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
