We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
