I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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