I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize