Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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