I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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