Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
