YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
