a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
