A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
