Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
