I met the friendliest cop last night
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I touched a dick in church today
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