The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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