I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
