Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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