um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
