I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
