The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
