how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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