I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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