Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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