her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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