It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
