Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
