mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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