nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
