There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
