I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
