I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
