the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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