Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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