A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
