She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want to make a zoo with you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
