i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
