my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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