oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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