need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
