Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
