I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The uberlube is also flammable
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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