I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
