My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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