Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
