My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
