you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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