please come you make the beer taste better
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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