yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize